KNIFE, Fit the Third

[rj_anderson]

Well, I've just finished rewriting the Prologue of my original fantasy novel, most of it from scratch, using the previous draft as little more than an outline (and changing any number of details along the way). I've taken a lot of information that was infodump before, and worked it into the dialogue and narrative instead; I've changed the dynamics between the characters and beefed up the atmosphere and mood; and I've cut out a couple of scenes that were either unnecessary or belonged elsewhere in the book. I don't know how many of you recall reading the original version a couple of years back, but here's how the new draft's shaping up:

KNIFE - Prologue

I'm having way too much fun with this all of a sudden. Somebody stop me before I rewrite the entire novel!*

--
*Just kidding. I won't really do that. At least, I don't think...

ETA 06/27: First two paragraphs revised to cut down on the wordiness noted by, well, just about everybody.

Comments

[cesario.livejournal.com]

erm is this meant to be locked?

[http://users.livejournal.com/shing_/]

First time I've read a part of Knife and I like it!

[drmm.livejournal.com]

I'd really like to see the rest of this at some point in time, since I'm quite interested in what that letter meant. The first two paragraphs seem a bit overly descriptive/complicated to me (although I should probably reread them) but after that, it really grabbed my attention.

[singingtopsy.livejournal.com]

I was really interested by the prologue, which appears to be of the intro-conflict-and-birth-of-the-hero variety. I especially loved Thorn, who is the type of character one should see more often in fantasy literature but rarely does.

[kizmet-42.livejournal.com]

The rewrite, it will call you...

[serenasnape.livejournal.com]

Oh wow! This is the first of Knife I've read, and I'm absolutely hooked! I want to know so much more about the Oakenfold, and about Thorn and Wink, and about why the Oakenwyld has changed so much and ... oh, everything! I don't read enough fantasy for my own good, but this brought back real memories of the Redwall books for me and I desperately want to know what it's all about!

[pgoodman13.livejournal.com]

It's been some years since I read Knife, and I remember some of the events here...but I don't remember it like this. It was good then. But now?

Wow. Just...wow.

It's times like these that I realize just how rusty some of my creative tools have grown, and how much I wish I could write like this.

[risti.livejournal.com]

I'm hooked! I really am! I didn't get the fact that they were fairies until Thorn was out searching, and I'm not sure if that was intentional (as I did spend several paragraphs trying to guess what they were, since I never realized they were anything but human in the few paragraphs I read the other day). But very good!

[kerravonsen]

Oooh!

The second paragraph was a bit info-dumpy and hard to follow (switching back and forth between the descriptions of the two women made it hard to build up the picture) but once past that... ah, this looks interesting.

[pharnabazus.livejournal.com]

I'm very impressed indeed with this. And it really is an improvement over the previous version.

Will mail you more comments in a bit.

[camillofan.livejournal.com]

Intrigued.

[lizbee.livejournal.com]

Terribly good improvements. I'm quite impressed. Also, MORE PLS.

I agree with the earlier comments, the first two paragraphs are a bit exposition-heavy. I like the rest, though. *loves*

[duchessdollydot.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I would probably cut the descriptions in half in the first two paragraphs, starting with the first line. "...all was dark" seems to have a better punch than "...all was dark and silent," at least in my head. I'll admit that I skimmed the second one. What I find really interesting is all of the ideas you've got floating around like a faerie dying and being replaced by another egg, the Queen, the fact that there's somehow only one Hunter for an entire society, and so on. I don't care so much about the scenery.

I would also say that in the paragraphs leading up to Thorn finding Bryony, as soon as she starts digging for something, the reader already suspects that she'll find the body. Using that as an opportunity to present the concept of the reborn egg was great, but at that point, I was already thinking, "Oh, she'll find the body" and skimming the paragraph. I'm not sure how you would restructure that, but something as simple as cutting a line or two of her digging might help.

Meanwhile, your prose is lovely and you look like you're setting up a nice pace. Keep up the good work!

[rose-in-shadow.livejournal.com]

Total LOVE.

The best change I noticed was Bryony's note. It's much more to the point and still leaving enough mystery for a reader to wonder what's going on.

[infiniteviking]

Ooh. OOOOH. This is the first I've seen of Knife, and I'm impressed. I love your settings and descriptions, and there are so many plot hooks... Thorn's defensive harshness, Bryony's strange legacy, the distantly ominous House, the madness whose very whisper terrifies Wink... my only criticism is that the characters have so much to say on the stairs that it's a bit hard to keep up. But that might be only me.

May the rest of the revisions go as well!