Yeah, I would probably cut the descriptions in half in the first two paragraphs, starting with the first line. "...all was dark" seems to have a better punch than "...all was dark and silent," at least in my head. I'll admit that I skimmed the second one. What I find really interesting is all of the ideas you've got floating around like a faerie dying and being replaced by another egg, the Queen, the fact that there's somehow only one Hunter for an entire society, and so on. I don't care so much about the scenery.
I would also say that in the paragraphs leading up to Thorn finding Bryony, as soon as she starts digging for something, the reader already suspects that she'll find the body. Using that as an opportunity to present the concept of the reborn egg was great, but at that point, I was already thinking, "Oh, she'll find the body" and skimming the paragraph. I'm not sure how you would restructure that, but something as simple as cutting a line or two of her digging might help.
Meanwhile, your prose is lovely and you look like you're setting up a nice pace. Keep up the good work!
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Date: 2006-06-27 07:16 pm (UTC)I would also say that in the paragraphs leading up to Thorn finding Bryony, as soon as she starts digging for something, the reader already suspects that she'll find the body. Using that as an opportunity to present the concept of the reborn egg was great, but at that point, I was already thinking, "Oh, she'll find the body" and skimming the paragraph. I'm not sure how you would restructure that, but something as simple as cutting a line or two of her digging might help.
Meanwhile, your prose is lovely and you look like you're setting up a nice pace. Keep up the good work!