I wonder if sometimes we encourage others to get over grief as speedily as possible not so much because of any well thought-out conviction that it would be better for them, but because it's in our own interest to see our friend 'back to his/her old self'. Let's face it: It's uncomfortable to deal with someone who's grieving. It creates all kinds of difficult questions: How should I behave? What should I say? Is there anything I can do? (And often there isn't, which leaves us feeling impotent, frustrated and maybe undervalued). Suppose that our friend has been a frequent source of encouragement and cheer to us, is just plain entertaining, or the type of person who motivates us to get up and do things we wouldn't otherwise do -- and now all that has changed. We may desire to get him back to 'normal' for largely selfish reasons.
But sometimes there is no 'old self' to return to. Take the situation of a woman who's lost a child then been deserted by her husband in short order. Experiencing drastic losses can change one's personality and outlook permanently. This may not be entirely bad. Grieving can cause people to mature in ways the good times cannot. But as a friend looking on, we may say to ourselves, 'This is not the person I once knew'.
And then the question becomes what sort of friend we really are, doesn't it.
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Hmm
Date: 2009-11-25 05:43 pm (UTC)I wonder if sometimes we encourage others to get over grief as speedily as possible not so much because of any well thought-out conviction that it would be better for them, but because it's in our own interest to see our friend 'back to his/her old self'. Let's face it: It's uncomfortable to deal with someone who's grieving. It creates all kinds of difficult questions: How should I behave? What should I say? Is there anything I can do? (And often there isn't, which leaves us feeling impotent, frustrated and maybe undervalued). Suppose that our friend has been a frequent source of encouragement and cheer to us, is just plain entertaining, or the type of person who motivates us to get up and do things we wouldn't otherwise do -- and now all that has changed. We may desire to get him back to 'normal' for largely selfish reasons.
But sometimes there is no 'old self' to return to. Take the situation of a woman who's lost a child then been deserted by her husband in short order. Experiencing drastic losses can change one's personality and outlook permanently. This may not be entirely bad. Grieving can cause people to mature in ways the good times cannot. But as a friend looking on, we may say to ourselves, 'This is not the person I once knew'.
And then the question becomes what sort of friend we really are, doesn't it.