Virtual Friendship

[rj_anderson]

A few thoughts, inspired by this meme: If there is someone on your friends list who makes your world a better place just because they exist and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.

Personally, I'd say there are a number of people on my f-list who fit that description. Some of you I've even had the privilege of meeting in RL, and finding you just as delightful in person as you are in spirit.

A male person whom I love dearly is of the firm opinion that online relationships are illusory -- that you can't really relate to someone in a meaningful way just through writing. His conviction is that without gesture and tone of voice, without a physical presence in front of you, without a common task, hobby or occupation at which you can work side by side with that person and see how they act even when they aren't using words, you have only a superficial impression of the person you're relating to, and your friendship can never progress beyond vague acquaintance.

Well, that may be true for men -- or most men, anyway -- but I don't think it's equally true for women, for whom verbal communication is primary. Men may (as this male friend of mine claims) need a hockey game or a joint work assignment in order to get to know each other, but most women I know are content to make a pot of tea and a plate of scones and just talk.

So while the Internet may indeed make a very bad deck-building project, I''d say it makes a quite decent pot of tea... and my experience of meeting online friends in RL seems to bear that out.

In the eighteen years I've been talking to people online (yes, I am a net.dinosaur), I have yet to meet someone who was significantly different in the flesh from the way they presented themselves online. That's not to cast any doubt upon the real danger of people misrepresenting themselves for personal gain and/or to take advantage of others -- I know it does happen -- but in the particular message boards, FidoNet echoes, Usenet groups, fan forums, and LiveJournal threads where I've met and befriended people over the years, there really hasn't been much call for that kind of behaviour, and I've never run afoul of it myself.*

And on the whole, I've gained far more than I've lost by making friends online. Some of you I chat with on a near-daily basis: we've laughed together, cried together, prayed together, shared story ideas and bits of writing, and offered sympathy and/or advice as needed. I've received gifts of such generosity and thoughtfulness, some of them from people I'd only just met, that I was moved to tears. Little by little, and sometimes without even realizing I was doing it, I've established a network of contacts with professional writers and editors that has really helped and encouraged me in my writing career. And some of you have done me the honour of coming to visit me and stay in my home for a few days -- an experience that I have always enjoyed and would gladly repeat with any one of you.

So to all my online friends, I raise a cup of virtual tea and say, with all sincerity: to friendship.

--
* Admittedly, I have met a couple of people on line who were unpleasant and even dangerous in RL, but there was plenty of warning for that in the way they spoke and conducted themselves online. My mistake wasn't in thinking those people were different than they really were, it was believing I could help them with their problems and not get hurt. I think that I've learned better now.

Comments

[kerravonsen]

So while the Internet may indeed make a very bad deck-building project, I''d say it makes a quite decent pot of tea.

(grin) Oh yes!

I'm wary of generalizing it to a "men versus women" thing, at least not for all men... but then most of the folks on my flist are women anyway...

I think the obvious counterexample to give people who dismiss internet friendship is all the famous correspondences throughout history. There have been long-distance friendships ever since the invention of a reliable postage service. And the internet is much more immediate than snail-mail.

[izhilzha.livejournal.com]

Oh, this is beautiful and so true. Also, even with not wanting to divide the world strictly into women vs. men, the fact is that I recently had a *heated* argument about this very topic...with two RL male friends of mine. They made exactly the points you raise, to which all I could say was, "Well, fact: one of my closest friends is someone I met online; if you don't understand how that could happen, well, I feel sorry for you."

Friends, no matter the medium (and people used to have friendships over correspondence, back in the day; how is online any different?), are precious...and they are to be found the in the oddest places. Even fandom. :-D

[(Anonymous)]

Not really anonymous - it's Deb. I've had similar experiences with meeting people I've talked with online. Of course the online haunts that I frequent aren't really the type to attract anyone with ulterior motives. My dh calls my online friends my *imaginary* friends although he's come to meet and like some of them as well.

[serenasnape.livejournal.com]

Have some transatlantic tea. Community occurs where people make it :)

[jalara.livejournal.com]

Cheers, RJ! To Friendship!

Thank you so much for hosting me that delightful weekend in August. I hope we can get together again soon. I so want to meet Paul.

[penwiper26.livejournal.com]

Cheers to you, my friend of seven years though unmet in the flesh.

Internet Relationships

[jamesbow.livejournal.com]

Have you told that male person about Erin and I? Seven years married, nine years together, twelve years known each other, and it would never have happened without the Internet.

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

Scones for all!!!

[friede.livejournal.com]

Hear hear!

And I say that as a person who was decidedly decieved by a person online, which changed some of my policies, but not my core belief that the Internet (used properly) brings more people of like minds together than it alienates.

[dr-c.livejournal.com]

Well, that may be true for men -- or most men, anyway -- but I don't think it's equally true for women,

I don't think it's men/women at all, or even (Myers-Briggs) Thinker/Feeler; I think it's Intuitive/Sensor-- that is, those to whom ideas are primary, in contrast to those who deal more in physical objects. (In particular, it would surprise me if "gesture and tone of voice" were somehow more generally significant to males than to females!)

[shoebox2.livejournal.com]

Of course the online haunts that I frequent aren't really the type to attract anyone with ulterior motives.

Yeah, ditto...albeit, some days I wonder.

Fascinating essay, Syn. I know that the few times I've met people in RL that I've gotten to know on a message forum I've found them much easier to talk to than usual with new acquaintances.

The comparison to a snail-mail correspondence is interesting; I think that in some ways the Net bond may be even stronger, because the medium of communication is more immediate/informal/specific to the other's interests.

[lizbee.livejournal.com]

*brings pumpkin scones to the tea party*

Which is to say that I do agree, having met my current crop of RL friends online.

[infiniteviking]

Interesting way of breaking it down. You may have something there; most males in my acquaintance would rather interact by developing some mutual project than by engaging in conversation. (Of course some, of both genders, mistake conversation for a chance to lecture, which does little for one-on-one bonding but can occasionally be useful in mob situations. ;)

Anyway, that's a sweet meme, and you're definitely on my list. *toddles off to post it*

[reveilles.livejournal.com]

I'm looking forward to meeting you in RL someday. :) I'm amused now when jcobleigh starts talking about something you said or did. He read your blog posts over my shoulder enough times that he decided to subscribe to them. He often tells me about what you've been up to before I find out myself. :) He doesn't consider you a friend, really, but if we lived in the same town, you'd be someone he would be comfortable being friends with. How does that sort of relationship get categorized? :)